softly, don't go so...

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4:02 PM Health is improving steadily. Still dealing with shit my lungs but doing better. Today was decently productive. I was about to work and filled a bunch of orders. I'm actually caught up again and happy about it.
I'm looking forward to making a big thanksgiving dinner this year. It will just be the three of us, but it will be fun. A bit low on money and may have to dip into the savings to pay for it.

I don't really like holidays, but I feel uncomfortable not celebrating them. Having a big feast with my friends just makes sense. Replacing the shallow holidays I had as a child with fun new memories just makes sense.

My twenty gallon reef is doing well again. I had a nasty algae outbreak last month that is finally under control. More flow, less food, and different filtration seems to be working well. My pico tank is almost empty and my brain keeps making expensive plans that I can't follow through with.
I want to buy a new iPod touch next month. Due to financial issues I doubt I'll be able to get one. I'll be able to get one in january then. It's my Xmas present to myself.

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I'm dealing with constant sickness right now. Lovely. The depression is also there to make my life so much better. Today's bullshit is a strep throat and sinus drain. Yippee. I did get some work done, so I don't feel like a total asshole.

I made my first bath bomb last night. It wasn't a complete success, but it was useable. I used an awesome cucumber melon fragrance that worked well. I made it with jojoba and kaolin clay to make my skin happy. After I get the basic technique down, I'll try to experiment with different ingredients. I hope to make a sea based one with salt and kelp.

I failed at NaNoWriMo this year. I didn't make the time to keep writing. I'll keep working on the piece and hopefully get it finished before the end of the year. Maybe I'll put it up on Kindle for $0.99 because that's easy as hell to do.

The pico tank is doing poorly for no apperent reason.

Winter is here

Winter has chased away the lovely fall weather. It's not snowing yet, but the days and nights when we could keep the windows open are over. I'm sad to see it go. I enjoy fall and spring in Ohio, they are the only good times of the year here, but they last such a short time.

Work has been halted until Wednesday or so, because I screwed up and didn't order enough supplies. I'm already behind on orders. Damn holiday rush. I feel like such an ass, but there isn't anything I can do. I wish I could buy all my supplies locally, but I can't. That's one good thing about the bath products, some of the ingredients can be found here. Planning is not something I am good at.


The caffeine is hitting me hard now. The shakes are making typing on the iPod difficult. I'm starting NaNoWriMo today. Good luck to everyone else also doing it.

Trauma and a death

Last night was Trauma, Columbus' Halloween fetish party. I've gone to all of the ones that I've been in town for. Mostly I go to watch people and get drunk. It's one of my few going out and dressing up events.

I was more comfortable with this Trauma than some of the others. I knew my limits and what to expect so I was able to have fun. I didn't meet anyone or talk to anyone, but that was expected. I tried a new (to me) drink called a kamikaze. Very yummy. I tried to drink whiskey again and my body still hates the shit. Anna and the annadriods were fabulous. They did a couple different sets that were really cute including one using silk to climb. We finished off the night by buying gyros from a cart and watching an episode of Deadwood.
My scooter blenny died yesterday morning. It was rather painful to deal with. Now I feel oddly pissed off at the tank and it seems so empty without him. He was the first reef fish I ever bought and he will be missed. Because of how delicate most reef fish are, it's never a good idea to get attached, but I did. He had a ton of personality, much more than any other fish I've owned. When I sat and looked at the tank, he swam over and watched me. He'd cock his eyes at me, actually seem to be curious. He'd also do a goofy little dance sometimes, when he was looking at me. Poor thing. RIP.

I don't get hangovers, but I feel shitty today. Mostly my throat from having to yell to be heard, but my sinuses are draining and making my head one big ball of suck.

(no subject)

Today is one of those hopeless miserable days where time seems to slow down. Vaguely triggered by the fact that my awesome fish Mr Blenny is sick. His death would be extremely upsetting. I'm tired of myself and my fucking depression. I'm incapable of doing anything useful or reasonable today. I've been bitching and yelling at the tv tonight out of sheer frustration. Real productive. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself but I can't help but be disgusted by my weakness.

In a world where people are so causal about killing anyone they disagree with, I can't say I care too much about the Marie Clair thing. I read that shit as a preteen and it helped fuck me up. I stopped reading it. Why anyone would care would drivel they post is beyond me. I defend her right to be a bitch. I honestly don't care. I can't say some normal bitch thinking poorly about me is unusual for me. Yeah, some people look down at fat people. People suck. Why is it shocking or surprising?

Random shit
Today was lazy again and didn't work, despite the fact that I have a ton of orders that need to go out. I'll just have to do a bunch tomorrow. Not a big deal, but a bad habit I have gotten into.

I went the Craftin Outlaws today, Columbus' yearly crafting fair. Most of the stuff was horrible. Just typical etsy crap, but I did buy three cool horror magnets. I just hate how girly, pastel, and boring the crafting scene is. I always associated crafts with old boring women, and that seems to still be what is it, only made by young boring women. The cutesy thing is such a damn turnoff. I hate how our culture loves to view women as safe cute little girls. It's just gross to me.

I removed the 10k bulb from the pico tank. I think the brightness may have been effecting the mushrooms in a bad way.

Sometimes the only reasons I want to move is to not be in Ohio, to live in a place with better weather and to go somewhere new. The savings keeps growing, but I need to be more aggressive about it.

Sick bitch

I pushed myself too far and got sick. I knew I needed to relax more, but I have a hard time with that. The clock inside my head is always ticking, reminding me of how much time I have left.

So the edema came in my legs, they became painfully swollen and sore. Walking was agony, sitting in a chair just as much. But I fought past that, like the ass that I am. I kept working. Then my back gave out. First it became stiff and movement almost impossible, then the spasms hit. Suffocating bursts of pain that drove me to bed covered in tears. Crying out of frustration and amusement that my body is still this fucking frail. So I laid there and let my back feel like it was twisting my body to pieces. After huge amounts of pain relievers I was high, but ok.

Today I'm fine. My body is sensitive and I'll listen to it today, because I don't want to be stuck in bed again. No words could explain my disgust for my body. For how weak and sickly it is. For how much of my life has been taken by constant misery and illness. I would gladly replace it in a second for something strong. Healthy. Things I will never be.

The sky is black and is going to rip itself apart soon. The cool air blows in through the window cracks and feels amazing. You can feel the tension in the air. It's unpleasant but exciting too. I just hope I don't lose my electricity.

Royce is running errands and I'm trying not to think about the upcoming holidays. Being unsuccessful at it. All the things that I don't have. The joy that being around family I've never had. The fact that I ended up in the ER less than ten hours after being around Her. Not for mental shit but because my body gave in to a nasty flu. I was on hardcore drugs for a week. Dear Vicadin, i understand now why people love you so. Bliss in a pill form. I should never try any true opiate, because I think I would get hooked far too easily.

I just feel depressed today. The pointless misery is weighing me down. Taking up my time and pleasure.

I'm starting up another business. Seems funny because I gave up at the soaping so quickly, but I need to. I need to fill up more space. More time. It will be a small scent shop, or as I usually put it, a stinky store. I love scented oils. I love scent. I fucking perfume ands it's disgusting alchohol bases. Scented oils smell clean and strange. Aromatherapy can alter moods, help people. I'm just mixing different things together and selling them. The medicinal value is beside the point. I'm wearing a sugar based scent now. Sugar, cinnamon, pomegranates, grape, and bubblegum notes all mixed together. It smells like cheap candy. I fucking love it.

eBay drama
eBay can be a horrible place to sell, but mostly I've had good experiences buying items. I buy about ten to twenty different items on there a month. Usually cheap fish stuff. I had a problem with two different sellers this month. One the problem was solved quickly and easily, the other was a pain in the ass.

The first seller accidentally sent the wrong item from china, but it did arrive less than a week after I bought it. I've never had an item arrive that quickly from any part of asia. I emailed her and she quickly apologized. She also let me keep the item she sent by accident and quickly reshipped the item I actually bought. Not a big deal, just a mistake.

The other seller... Sucks ass. I bought a light from them late last month. It didn't arrive in two weeks. Dead air when I asked about it. I waited another week then sent eBay after them. They responded then and gave me my money back. Not the biggest deal but I was pissed off. I wanted the goddamn light. I just bought it from another company and had to spend forty dollars more. So pissed. Why could they just send the fucking light or just send an email saying it was on the way? Why do people who barely go online think it's ok to sell on eBay?!

So yeah eBay is annoying.

Feel the changes coming through
Our roommate is now as into the idea of the move as Royce and I are. We keep planning silly little details. I'm so glad. I was worried she didn't want to go with us which would have been heartbreaking.

Saving money is becoming easier. I'm able to think of it as more of a challenge, than a pain in the ass. The worst part of it is restraining myself from buying more coral. I love shopping for frags, but there is a big chance that the marine creatures I have now won't survive the move. It would be pointless to add more. I really hope that doesn't happen, but I accept it might. I would rather have all my tanks crash than stay here.

I'm so tweaked out about having to be here another year. The knowledge that I can get us out is comforting. It stops me from tossing everything and hopping on a bus. I don't regret doing that to get to Seattle, but I refuse to repeat it. We underestimated how much hotels were. After only a week we were screwed and scared shitless. We took the shitty apartment with the Chinese couple because it was our only real option. We paid dearly for that. We almost lost each other in the stress and misery that happened.

This will be different.


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