softly, don't go so...

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Yesterday was the first truly hot day of the year which makes exercise much more difficult. My weight is currently around 260 and has remained there the past few months. I am unhappy about this, but I am to blame. Too much rich food and too little activity equals excessive weight. Trying to change that but it is slow going.

Yesterday also sucked because I had a meltdown. I was overwhelmed by anxiety and was very upset. Stress about a lot of things has been weighing on me. All of it will be resolved within the next few months but the uncertainty is killing me.

I just really hate those days that I'm too fucked up to work. I feel lazy and gross despite knowing that I'm not to blame. Thankfully, those days are few now. My depression used to rule every second of every day, but now it just comes and stays for a while. Keeping busy seems to help. Having a job and something other than myself to dwell on helps, but not all the time. I've learned to just accept those horrible days where my mind turns against me. There's nothing that can be done and they do end. I'm not laying in bed wishing for death anymore and I'm grateful for that.


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