softly, don't go so...

Morning person

I love being alone in the morning. Everyday when I wake up, I take a caffeine pill and start walking. Sometimes I walk for a hour. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I just move my body and think about things. I've done it for past five years or so and it makes mornings bearable, even good.

I can't really deal with people in the morning. I've had to train my roommates to leave me alone while exercising. I get very pissed off if I'm interrupted. I cherish the time alone and have had to fight for it.

When I was suicidally depressed, I couldn't get out of bed. I just laid there all day. I didn't leave the house. I only left the bed to eat and shit. That was my life from thirteen to twenty five years old. I was sick and unable to function. Exercising gave me structure. It gave me a reason to stay out of bed. I forced myself over time to only lay in bed while sleeping or sick. It took a lot of painful slow work.

When you allow yourself to get that far in depression everything becomes difficult. Everything. I would try to change and fail. It took a long time and it still isn't over. I don't spend my life in bed anymore, but I'm certainly not free my issues. I don't expect to ever be. All I want is to life my life as well as I can. To strive to be better. Saner. Less limited. That is all anyone can do.


I'm still exhausted and sick after the grueling move. My body won't allow me to do much, but I was able to go out today and do a bit of shopping.

We are near a fuckton of strip malls which makes shopping rather easy. I went looking for a bathing suit and managed to find one. It's a 3x plain thing I found at walmart. It was the biggest one they had in the store. I'm so embarrassed and grossed out by myself today. At 260 pounds I shouldn't expect to look good. Thankfully this place has a pool and a small fitness center, so I'll be able to work on that more. I look and feel like shit, but it can be worked on.

The stress of the move definitely set me back, weight and health wise. I'm happy we are here and I don't regret it, but it was hard. Life will be a bit rough money-wise, because my roommate is have a hard time finding a job, so I may have to cover her rent for a while.

I do love it here. It's so pretty and green and strange.


Yesterday was the first truly hot day of the year which makes exercise much more difficult. My weight is currently around 260 and has remained there the past few months. I am unhappy about this, but I am to blame. Too much rich food and too little activity equals excessive weight. Trying to change that but it is slow going.

Yesterday also sucked because I had a meltdown. I was overwhelmed by anxiety and was very upset. Stress about a lot of things has been weighing on me. All of it will be resolved within the next few months but the uncertainty is killing me.

I just really hate those days that I'm too fucked up to work. I feel lazy and gross despite knowing that I'm not to blame. Thankfully, those days are few now. My depression used to rule every second of every day, but now it just comes and stays for a while. Keeping busy seems to help. Having a job and something other than myself to dwell on helps, but not all the time. I've learned to just accept those horrible days where my mind turns against me. There's nothing that can be done and they do end. I'm not laying in bed wishing for death anymore and I'm grateful for that.

Working class

Currently reading Anne McCaffrey's Pern books. Almost finished with the third one The White Dragon. Also reading The 4-hour workweek by Timothy Ferriss. I enjoy the book because he's saying of the same things I do about work. That a task that takes more time is not necessarily more important. That working your ass off doesn't mean you will rewarded for it. The idea that working 60+ hours a week is a horrible waste of a life. To be more effective is better. The goal of work should be to support yourself to live the life you want and to work as little as possible.

That retirement is a joke. To save up a huge amount of money and wait to do things when you are older is a waste. Do things now. You can, if make them a priority and save up. A life spent working nonstop is a pointless miserable life. It's a life I do not want.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my childhood recently. One of the things that sticks out to me is how much my mom worked. She spent 50-60 hours a week, every week working at a job she hated. A cog in a big machine. She was not necessary. Needed. She had nothing but contempt for those that worked less or couldn't work. When I was sick and not able to work anymore, she was disgusted by me. I was one of those gross government leeches.
She was a miserable sad person. I knew work wasn't completely to blaim, but it did take a lot out of her. I didn't want to live like her and I don't.

Mothers day

I wish I could about how excited I am to celebrate mothers day, but I can't. All the gift buying, all the love, all the appreciation and support, but I can't. I watch the commercials for flowers, candy, ect.
I wish I could go to my moms house and give her pretty things. To watch her face light up. To know she loves me and is happy to see me. To have a day to spend with family that doesn't leave me in tears, but of course I can't.

My mom fucking hates me. I was born because she was too lazy to get an abortion. I was born so she could keep her boyfriend with her. The one that she fought with nonstop. The one who beat her to the floor on many endless horrible days.

If you asked her, she would tell you of her endless love for me. She loved doing that, telling everyone that would listen how much she cared. She wasn't too big on actually doing anything to show it. I spent my childhood sick and alone. I lived in tiny apartments and was told constantly to be silent. That I didn't matter. What wanted didn't matter. That my life was worthless and useless. I was shaken and smacked. Isolated and neglected and abused.

She's called me a liar for pointing out anything bad that happened in my life. She would never do those things. I think sometimes she honestly doesn't remember. The drugs did fuck her up pretty bad. I think more often she chooses not to. What kind of monster puts their hands over a coughing sick childs face? What kind of asshole shakes them and screams at them to shut up and just die?

She chooses not to see me, which is probably best for both of us. I've seen her a handful times in the past five years. The last time was a miserable Xmas where she told me she's going to kill herself if her boyfriend dies. I had seen her in three years and I had to hear this shit. She had no interest in hearing about my life. She doesn't actually believe I run a makeup company. I'm too fucked up for that.

Nothing really soothes this kind of hurt. Time makes a bit of a difference. I'm not the complete waste of flesh I was when I moved out. I was utterly broken and I had to put myself together. I've learned to take care of myself. To value myself. But memories haunted me and still do.

So no, I'm not celebrating mothers day.

(no subject)

Life has become very simple and is now divided into two parts; before and after the move. We are leaving in late June. No turning back now.

Right now is of course the before part. Every excess dime is put into my savings. Every item purchased is questioned, "Do I really need this now?" I'm still slowly getting rid of excess crap. To Goodwill or to the garbage. Everything that is not loved or needed I will be rid of.

I've been doing a ton of research on various products to make. I've done some experiments with ingredients I have on hand. Other items will have to wait until After. As makeup girls say, I'm on a no buy.

I'm playing Angry Birds and Plants vs Zombies way more than a sane person should.


Sitting alone in the living room. Listening to the birds and the reef tanks. Not in a bad mood, not in a great mood. Just thinking about my life, the future. What needs changing and what needs to happen.

My birthday is today and that's ok. I turned thirty. I remember I was eighteen I didn't think I'd live this long. I celebrated over the weekend with my friends and had a lot of fun. Drank absinthe and sake. Ate expensive cheeses. Ran outside to stare at the supermoon and was impressed by its glow.

Lots of anxiety, insecurity, and stress but I don't much feel its weight right now. I have stuff to look forward to. Stuff to do. A cross country move. Shopping for a car. Thinking about a tiny little store. About photos. About music. About books. Movies. So much to do.

The purge continues

I love moving. I fucking love it. I love going through everything I own and deciding what needs to stay or go. I found a guy on craigslist to take some of my unwanted coral and reef fish. I love how freeing it is just to get rid of shit.

We're going to Portland in late June if we have the cash. If not, then late July. I hope I never come back here except maybe to visit.

Life is going ok. Still dealing with a lot of sickness and weight issues, but I'm better than I was. Business is doing well. I'm making a lot of changes to the company to improve it. Better products, packing, website, ect.

I've been doing a ton of research on it and I hope to have my own line of veggie hair dyes out in a few years. Like manic panic or special effects. Vivid long lasting stuff. It actually easy to make but finding good suppliers of the colorants is a bitch.

Happy new year

It's a new year now. It's hard to believe, because 2010 seemed to last so long and went so fast at the same time. My basic new years resolutions are:
1) Move to Portland this summer
2) lose and maintain a healthy weight
3) run my business better
4) be a better person
5) make more art

Not a long list but quite complicated. I'll write posts about each one of these resolutions because a single post would be too long.


I'm sitting here in my living room and thinking about one of the few reason I enjoy Ohio: the weather. It's in the mid fifties today and rainy. Four days ago it was thirty and snowy. Tomorrow there could be a blizzard. The unpredictability of the weather is nice. It gives you a break from the snow and freezing temperatures. I'll miss it, because Portland's weather is a bit more civilized and stable.

(no subject)

The Xmas retail rush is killing me. I'm not getting as many orders as I did last year, but the size of the orders has increased. So my days are spent the same way daily. Wake up, take caffeine, exercise, print orders, pack orders, play wesnoth game on my iPod, eat dinner, watch Battlestar Galatica, sleep. It's tedious as fuck, but the snow makes it too difficult to do anything else.

Quitting eBay was a really good decision. My stress level has dropped, but so has my income. The tradeoff is worth it though. I finally am creative again. Making new products and generally being excited again. Dealing with eBay customers really made me hate my little microbusiness, now the fun is coming back.


I restarted the pico tank as a cherry shrimp tank again. The nasty algae blooms I constantly had when it was a reef tank made it unbearable. I just can't maintain a pico reef yet. In such a small system, changes happen rather fast. Most changes will crash the tank quickly. After it crashed three times in a row, I gave up on it. A ten gallon really isn't much larger but they tend to stay stable longer. I'll stick with ten gallon and larger tanks for now.


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