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January 12th, 2010
10:16 am - Choices
Loaded up on nyquil and asthma drugs. The asthma drugs are uppers and the nyquil is a downer. If I drink enough nyquil I hallucinate. I hate work to do but my brain is fogged out from the drugs. I'll still try and do some of it.
Where do I want to go? The question is in my head a lot. Although I have to push it down a bit. The main choices right now are Seatlle, Portland, or maybe Las Vegas. I'm getting my car first. Then road trips to help decide. We probably won't be moving until 2010 if the situation doesn't improve signifigantly. The thought of yet another winter here sucks, but I can do it.
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January 11th, 2010
12:23 pm - Damn the midwest
I went out with royce on Saturday to run errands. We didn't have to wait outside more than ten minutes at a time, but the temperatures were in the lower teens. My boots leaked so my feet were soaking wet and freezing off and on. No suprise that I'm sick again. Just with my asthma which is tolerable. Not wanted but it's. Sickness that I've had my entire life.
I'm starting to save up for a car which is scary and exciting. I might not have gotten sick if I had a car to drive in instead of standing in the bitter cold.
My thoughts are so chaotic that it's hard to put them down.
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January 6th, 2010
08:14 am
After two more winters in Ohio, I really need to get the fuck out. I am so sick of this weather. Although to be fair, it did actually take a while this year to get really snowy and gross. Kinda bummed out that moving isn't in the near futures plans. Stabilizing and enlarging the makeup company comes first. When it gets to a place where I feel more comfortable, then I'll start planning a move.
The makeup company is doing quite well. I have a decent fanbase of repeat customers who seem to love what I'm doing. It's pretty awesome. I slacked off in December and didn't release anything new due to laziness, sickness, and general depression.
One thing I am allowing myself to get is a used car. Probably something around $3000 if I have to pay outright. Maybe something pricier if I can find a company to let me make payments. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm saving up the cash for it right now. I hope to have enough by April or so. I really started to hate the buses here and have started taking cabs more often. They can be a pain too, but they are much nicer in this hateful weather.
Big secret: I think I'll going to stop my SS payments this year. It scares the fuck out of me but I think it's time. That feels so good to say outloud. If I do royally fuck up, I can always go back on them. I just hate having the goverment watching me for the business and for the money.
My roommate is now probably fired from her job. She's scared and pissed. I wish I made enough to give her a job too.
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December 30th, 2009
10:31 pm - Damn white are fucking gross
I am disgusted by someone on my Twitter feed. I'm sorry, you are a piece of shit to go to India with your kids to stare at the poor people. There is no getting around it. It's just gross white bullshit. Take your kids to a nice place to have fun. Don't go to a filthy country to shove your morals down your kids throats. Look how icky they are! Isn't being poor yucky? God, I hate people.
Fuck you!!!!
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December 29th, 2009
05:57 pm - Xmas in the hospital
I'm pretty drugged up right now so please excuse the writting if it's sloppier than usual.
So Royce and I went to Mansfield for Xmas. He saw his mom and we both hung out at my moms house. It was pretty awkward. I'm not in the mood to talk about that much. After we came home we crashed pretty early in the night.
I woke up around midnight and was sick. I was dizzy and had the shits bad. Not a big deal. Then the vomiting starts. It was some of the harshest vomit I have ever had. I was choking on it. So of course my asthma kicked it. A couple hours later while spewing shit and vomiting into a bucket I blacked out. I decided that was enough and went to the hospital.
I spend six hours there and was given various drugs. The doctors told me I just had a nasty virus and to force myself to stay hydrated. Which is pretty hard when nothing wants to stay inside. I was introduced to vicodin, which I enjoy way too much.
Most of the drugs make me dropsy so I've been sleeping constantly since Xmas. I wake up every six hours or so and eat light food and gulp down fluid. I've been very unproductive and it annoys the shit out of me. I do mostly feel better, but it's hard to do anything still. That may be due to the vicodin. Royce has been so sweet taking care of me.
It's not the first time I was in the hospital for Xmas, but it was the first time as an adult for something other than asthma. Hope your holidays are going better.
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November 26th, 2009
08:22 pm - Happy thanksgiving
This was definately one of the better thansgivings I've had. I made a turkey breast, stuffing, gravy, and deviled eggs. My friends and I pigged out. I'm eating spray cheese and crackers. Soon I will chow down on some pie and cool whip. Thankgiving is a celebration of binge eating.
I just finished listing all of my mmu on etsy. Tomorrow I'll list everything on eBay.
Not going to think about my blood family. Nope. Nope. Nope.
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November 22nd, 2009
01:16 am - Fun? Me?!
I had a good day today. I hung out with my boy and it was lovely. We took a cab to Tuttle which was a weird adventure. We went to the mall. We shopped for pants for him in the girls section. He found some cute shit. We had some yummy food court stir fry and just had fun hanging out together.
I bleached my hair again tonight. I finally managed to remove the black. It's fried but not too fucked. It's in the red stage so I think one more time should do it. I'm trying to get all of the front of my hair yellow so I can dye it blue. I was tired of just having the roots blue. I'll entually redye the black of my hair black. I've been regrowing my undercut and its bleached out. I love having the money to play with my hair.
Ive been working constantly the last week. I made a bunch of new eyeshadows on Wednesday. On Friday I chose which I wanted to release and photographed them. On Friday I edited my website and the photos and released them. I released twenty two shadows in two new lines. And two new translucent powders. Work work work. Blah.
Hot topics $2 eyeliners are wonderful. Life is decent. Apperently I cannot function without caffiene. I starting retaking my caffeine pills and I don't feel sick and drained anymore. It makes me uncomfortable to be dependant on any drug, but there are worse drugs to need.
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November 11th, 2009
07:37 pm - New bed
I just bought a new bed today. A brand new covered in plastic from store bed. A couples after I went to the store they delivered it. It's sitting in my bedroom now with my blankets and pillows thrown on top of it. I know that to most people this isn't a big deal. To me it is.
I'm poor and my family was poor. My parents were fuckup losers who constantly moved from place to place. Sometimes it meant a month, sometimes it meant a week. Fuckups don't rent U-Hauls when they move. My parents grabbed their photos, clothes, tv, and little house. I knew I shouldn't get used to anything because it would be gone soon. If I had a bed, it was usually a stained nasty thing that I careful not to touch. New beds were for people who paid rent. For rich people. For people who didn't piss the sink when they got shitfaced. For people who didn't call the cops when their boyfriend broke their face.
I'm more stable than my parents were. I know for some of you that read this journal that must seem like a joke, but it's true. I was kicked out when I was nineteen and eventually ended up in my tiny studio apartment in Mansfield. I made it to Columbus years later. Then to Seattle for a year. Then back to Columbus. I never had a bed because I couldn't afford one. I had air mattresses. Layers of blankets. An ancient worn out mattress that our landlords sold to us for $40. Now I do.
It feels good to know that I have the money to buy things that I have always wanted. It's good to know that I earned that money by starting a microbusiness. I have a new bed and it makes me want to cry with pride.
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October 27th, 2009
05:08 pm - Dentist
Looks like I'll be able to get my teeth worked on. The dental school here only charges $75 for an appointment. Thankfully they accept Medicaid. I'll call tomorrow and scedule an appointment.
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October 26th, 2009
05:14 pm - Harsh
Depression is kicking my ass again. For the last three days life has been very hard. My energy is gone and I just want to lay around and cry. There were no triggers, no causes. Just a huge burst of self loathing that makes everything worthless. I'm fighting it and I hope to get out of it soon.
I try to pretend I'm over it and then a storm comes and destroys everything. Packing orders today was so difficult. Everything is just so hard. My thinking is totally controlled by my emotional shitstorm. Stupid questions become far more important than they already are. I'm lonely but want to hide from the world.
One of my front teeth broke yesterday. Just a small sliver off the side but I fucking cried. I don't want to be a toothless thirty year old. I don't want to look like white trash. Going to a dentist will cost so much money. I need to go, but I'm so afraid of the cost. I'm so ashamed that my teeth are fucked up. Why is it in the richest country in the world can we not help the poor with dental costs? I have no insurance. I'm so afraid that there is nothing they can do but yank out my front tooth. Wouldn't I be pretty then? Haha.
Yeah I'm not in a happy place.
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October 23rd, 2009
04:49 pm - My microbusiness
I made a big decision yesterday to increase the price on some of my makeup. It was hard to do, but needed to be done. The business has been around for a little more than a year now. I'm proud I was able to keep it alive and let it grow. I read a statistic that said that 90% of businesses started in the USA don't make it past their first year. Well I did.
The business has always made enough to support itself. When I started it I spend $150 on makeup ingredients, jars, and paying for an eBay store. I didn't make that much the first October but the next couple months went better. After the channel started and I started advertising with the gurus on there, sales went up dramatically. I grossed a thousand that month and it made me cry in relief. But that's the problem, I grossed that much. What went in my pocket? Maybe twenty bucks. Yeah. It sucked. As the sales went up I had to keep buying larger amounts of supplies. My paypal and eBay fees jumped. Taxes sucked. I had to spend a ton on shipping. That month that I made a thousand, I spend $1500 on the business. I could pay for food or my bills other than rent.
The problem has grown as the business gets bigger. It completely pays for itself, but leaves little for me. This isn't greed speaking, this is reality. I can't afford to live off of it right now. Recently I grossed about more than $2000 and brought home a couple hundred. But you know what? I deserve to live off of my work. I spend hours working every day and I can't afford to pay myself. To expand the business beyond my home. I would make more money working a fast food shit job. I don't want to undercharge for my products so I will not. If I lose customers, tough shit. My time is as valuable as my products. I will not let the company collapse because I let it bury me in debt.
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October 21st, 2009
04:23 pm - Small update
Just deleted my loudtwitter account. Hopefully that kills the constant posting. I liked the idea of archiving my tweets, but now it just seems silly.
I've lost ten pounds in the last week or so using diet pills. They kill my hunger. Probably not a good idea to do for a long period of time, but I was tired of not dropping weight. Don't worry, I'm only taking one a day and I'm still eating. I'm just able to eat lighter now. I don't feel hungry constantly, which is why I kept binge eating. I was up to 250 pounds again and that was simply unacceptable. Now I'm at 237. I hope to be back under 200 before the new year comes. Yes, I know this makes me a bad fatty, but I do not like being this big.
The makeup company is doing great. I'm making new stuff daily and absorbing huge amounts of information. It's fun and easy to do. The detrivore channel on YouTube has over six hundred subscribers now. It's pretty cool having so many people into what I'm doing.
The rest of my life consists of hanging out with Royce and Alyssa, watching films, taking care of my pets, and dyeing my hair. It's a small life but I like it.
I'm going to a fetish party for Halloween. I can't say I think I'll meet anyone, because I won't talk to anyone, but the people watching should be enjoyable.
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October 20th, 2009
October 19th, 2009
October 18th, 2009
October 17th, 2009
October 16th, 2009
October 15th, 2009
October 14th, 2009
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distorria's journal